Acceptance

The first sonogram of your beautiful baby is always so exciting when your expecting.  It was no different for us when we went to find out if we were having a girl or a boy.  It's a boy declared the tech.  We were so excited to watch the newest addition to our family on that black and white screen.  He seemed to have so much personality already as he was kicking at the sonogram tech when she kept pushing on my tummy.  She even shook my tummy roughly to get the little guy to show the goods, that just seemed to aggravate him even more.  We wouldn't expect anything less from our children, after all look at the parents.
My excitement didn't change when they told me they had some concerns with an abnormality in the umbilical cord and possibly the heart but they weren't sure.  I knew that God had me and this baby in his hands and I wasn't going to worry until I knew I had to.  The range of what could be wrong was so wide, I had to trust God and the peace he had given me until they had more info.  No doom and gloom here, we are having another boy!
That was all on Friday.

Tuesday morning came like any other in the Haynes household, 10 minutes behind where we need to be and just walking in the door to feed the boys breakfast.  I felt proud that I had made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in record time and was reveling in my sandwich making skills when the phone rang.
Nurse: Is this Mrs.Haynes
Me: Yes
Nurse: This is so and so from such and such midwives office calling with the results from your quad screen.
Me: Okay
Nurse: Well your baby tested negative for Downs Syndrome and (something else I couldn't pronounce)
Me: Great!
Nurse: But he did test positive for Trisomy-18
Me: (Still certain that everything would be fine) So what does that mean?
Nurse: Blah, Blah, Blah, medical terms
Me: Okay but what symptoms are associated with that, what does that mean for the baby.
Nurse: The prognosis isn't good.
Me: Okay but what are we talking about!
Nurse: Usually heart defects are associated with this.  These babies usually don't make it.
Me: (in disbelief that this was our babies fate) They don't usually make it through the pregnancy or life or what?
Nurse: Both.  This is a hard phone call to make.  I am so sorry.  You should still keep your appointment at Shands so they can give you more info.
Me: Okay
Nurse: Call us if you have any questions. Goodbye.

My immediate thought was to call Aaron at work and deliver the news, so I dialed the phone immediately and then when he answered all I could do was cry.  It must have taken me about two or three minutes to stop crying so hard that I could actually tell him what was wrong.  I finally got the words out and because he was at work we had to get off the phone.

My heart was breaking at the fate of our child as I researched and read every reputable site I could on Trisomy 18.  It was in this moment I began to be so mad at God.  I haven't ever been so mad at God as I became on the day of that phone call.  I couldn't even go to him for a word of comfort.  All I could do was think about the verse from Jeremiah that says "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you".  Really, not harm me, how could this not harm me?  How was this not harming our unborn child?  What about our girls, what will the loss of a sibling do to their little hearts?  Especially Destiny, who is at such a pivotal point in her life where her faith is concerned.  She is being taught scripture and truth here at home, but not in her dad's house and she fights with the flesh daily.  Will this make her mad at God?   How could this prosper us in any way?
Over the next two days my anger just hung over my broken heart like the smog of a big city.  Finally after shear exhaustion, I gave in and allowed God to speak to the million pieces of my heart laid out before him.

God:  Maybe this experience is not about prospering you but prospering your baby (now named David Allen).  I gave him to you because I knew you would not abort this pregnancy.  I gave him to you so he could have life no matter how brief.  Look at this through the scope of eternity and not the minimal time that everyone has in the flesh.  David will walk with me in a perfect body that won't hinder him in any way, and because he will be so young you will never doubt that he is indeed with his father in heaven that loves him more than you ever could.  He is a blessed soul that will never have to struggle between the flesh and the spirit.  I loved him before I gave him to you and he is mine after all.

Me: Lord, but I want my baby to live and I want to shower him with love, and I don't want him to suffer! I don't want him to panic when his breaths grow short and his life slips away.  He won't understand what is happening.  I don't think I can walk through this, much less help our other children to.

God: You won't walk through this alone, and if you don't want him to suffer in life or in passing then ask me.  I  am going to establish Destiny firmly in Christ through this.  And David, MY David, will be with me.  There is rejoicing in his new body, and at my side.  Cling to me through this, and I will carry you.

Me: I will, but knowing what you have in store doesn't make this sting any less.  And just for the record, I am still a little mad at you, but I trust you.

God: If you didn't I couldn't bring you through this.  One day, one prayer at a time.  I love all my children including David.

-Heather's Journal Entry