The Road Home

I knew all the statistics.  I read every diagnosis.  Every time, I walked out of that office - I prepared to bring my son home.  Ready for him to join the crowd.  

I prepared his space just days before.  He has a baby blue wall, his boxing gloves ready for the fight, and an empty frame that reads "Announcing..." 

It was so hard, so foreign, pulling the car up to the valet area on that very windy day.  

This time I didn't have to figure out another new car seat or seat belt configuration, I just picked up my wife.  

On the way home, I caught myself doubling back to make sure he was breathing, just as I did as a new nervous Dad every time before. But instead only hallow silence filled our car on that long road home.  

I didn't know what I would feel, walking into our room, as we arrived.  I put down her overnight bag, and his too, right by the bassinet's side.  I never knew I'd want to change a poopy diaper or wake up every two hours so bad in my life.  I would give up all my worldly possessions to see him open his eyes, to hear him say "dadda" for the first time, to take those first bold steps.

I am a man that has been blessed with many children. Each so beautiful and unique in my heart.  I will record their dances, their t-ball games, and graduation day.  I will tell them how wonderful they are to me and to their heavenly Father above. And David, oh my son David, how I can't wait to see you and your new perfect, little pure heart.


I had three sons just as my father did.  I'm proud to be my father's son, I'm one of three just as Andrew, Joshua and David.  I pray for my father, as I hope one day they will pray for me too.  This crazy road.


I have a child in heaven now.  What a beautiful sound.  I can't wait til this pain fades so I can clearly hear the beauty in that sound.  This road I'm on why is it here, why now?


I opened my bible tonight. The first time in about three months.  I opened it to read this: Psalms 25:4 "Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow.5. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you." A Psalm of David


I have shouted angry words at him.  I have petitioned for a miracle.  I have cried when he didn't answer my plea. He knows me. I don't understand why, nor begin to try to comprehend it. For "he has heard my cry for mercy." (28.6).  This road I'm traveling, isn't for me to understand, but to know he has a plan for me.


EMOTIONS: It wasn't three hours ago I hacked my sister's facebook and laughed out loud. The three of us laughed together on the couch. The two of us cried together in bed. The New Normal, as they say. I cry harder, I taste differently, I see deeper, I hear my girls laughter, and I think of you.  My life is changed forever.  


After we came to bed, Heather and I watched old home movies of our children.  They were dancing, singing, laughing in the tub.  All happy tears, thankful tears, but also tears for our precious baby David.


A Tangible Hug
My company has donated certificates for each of our children to go to an un-named bear store in the Oaks Mall, and build a stuffed animal in memory of their brother.  When Kateara told me this news, we were still in the hospital.  I was out in the hallway, whaling an echoing cry.  All I could think about was how our children needed that tangible something for them to hold on to. 


I have on my phone an audio recording of his heartbeat, that Heather sent me from the doctor visits I had to miss.  We will try to record his heartbeat and put it in the bears for them to hear him.  I'm thinking Heather and I may get one too, true story. This was an answered prayer.  


SIDE NOTE: We are also waiting on the cremation process to take place for the funeral.  They said 4-6 weeks.  As each day goes by, we keep thinking how we would like to do his Goodbye Celebration, a bit sooner.  Stay tuned....       

Telling Our Children, Part Two

We opted to not have our kids with us to prevent any kind of traumatic memories for them. So after our time with David, we brought the kids up Destiny (12), Lexi (9), Andrew (2), Joshua (1).

On the way up the elevator I prayed for God to give me the answers to their questions before we arrived in the room to tell them.

Destiny: "Daddy has anyone seen baby David yet?"
"No hunny"

Lexi: "How does he look?"
"Lots of hair, He has lots of hair hunny."

The first time we told the girls what Trisomy was, I couldn't speak - Heather had to tell them.  This time it was my turn.  "Girls, baby David is with Jesus now." The hardest sentence I've ever had to say.

While the girls cried, Andrew said "They crying?" I dreaded this moment since seeing my son for the last time.

That night from our babysitters the girls texted us:
Destiny the verbal communicator: "Mommy I need Mecenzies (Best Friend) Phone Number. I'm Sad."
Lexi the journaling/art communicator: Mommy I drew a picture of David with Jesus tonight"

When we got home we asked the girls if they wanted to see their brother.  We didn't want to force them to see him. They both said yes.  It was good.  We got to show them his physical features, and compared his 3D images.

Time for some R&R.  The Haynes Family has "Gone Fishin" for awhile.
AH

When Hello Means Goodbye

I want to start by saying this blog is first: a way for us to get our emotions out; second: a resource for families that look for others who feel the same feelings when going through a season such as this.  We looked at other families blogs during this season and it was very comforting to know it was okay to _____ and that it was a "normal" reaction.


The Morning Came
It was about 5:30am, Heather came and layed in our bed and told me she had a little concern and couldn't recall feeling David move that night.  I felt for him to have a reaction and within 5 minutes of this, she started having very strong contractions...only a minute apart.  I jumped up, gathered the kids and our things and we were out the door...by 7:30 (we have 4 other kids). On the hour drive to the hospital we prayed, texted, called.  I grabbed a wheel chair when we got there and met Joy at the parking garage to take the kids.


I ran up to the 3rd floor, labor and delivery - I heard screams coming from behind the curtain "oh boy" I thought.  I must have had that expression on my face because I turned to the administrator and asked for my wife, she smiled and said "down at the end" Whew.


But when I got to my curtain Heather looked up at me and said "they can't find his heartbeat." "we're still okay" I thought, minutes later after only finding Heathers heartbeat, they did an ultrasound, first one doctor, then the next to confirm.  "I'm sorry" "what can we do for you" "we'll give you a minute". 8:10am, June 1st, 2011


The Mourning Came
Most painful feeling I've ever had. I had lost my child. We cried out for him.  Then I grabbed a hold of myself, because there were women in here that still had hope of giving birth this morning.  I wiped my face and went to ask for a private room.
The next four hours were kind of a blur, we wept, we talked to the staff about our plans, we wept, then we received news that our dear friends The Adamyk's were on their way to Shands with their son Caleb http://www.calebsjourneyfromgod.blogspot.com/ . "Anything Else Lord?" 


Our Son is Born
At 12:10pm I cut the umbilical cord and was handed my child. I was overwhelmed.  Sadness and Joy and Peace formed a stream down my face. I can only remember saying "Perfect" and "Beautiful".  I walked this beautiful baby into the other room and bathed him.  As I bathed him I kept waiting..."please son, open your eyes.  Breathe baby, breathe" "Lord let me hear him cry out to me, just one time" I pleaded.  But he didn't.  I prayed over him, then dressed him up for Mommy.  Cuddling him up against my chest, I walked him to her. Our eyes connected, and  the unsaid words, said it all.  This is our son, and he is beautiful.  He is at peace, and he is with our Lord. Mommy and baby spent some time together.  We took intimate photos with him. Then they weighed and measured him. 5 lbs 0.7oz 18 inches long.  I peaked around the corner into the next room at Heather "He is so Beautiful" again our hearts aligned and shattered.  I got to do his footprints and hold him some more.

It was time to say goodbye.  
After we said goodbye together, I walked him over to his cart.  I tried to put him down, but just couldn't let go of my son.  I pulled him close to me again, then laid him in his bed. As the nurse walked him out the door, my legs felt like jello.  I fell to my knees and couldn't be strong any longer. He was gone. 


My Father Showed Up In A Big Way
There is no doubt that my faith has been like a see-saw through this season, the hardest season of my life.  But moments after I had fallen to the floor.  I got up and walked over to my wife and held her - only because He was holding me first.  "Peace" "He's at Peace Now" He whispered to me. Thank you Father. 


He was a Champion Fighter
All though his earthly fight is over, his legacy lives on inside of us.  His life will always be remembered, and the pain will not go in vein. He kicked harder than any of our other children inside the womb, he liked cheesecake, ice cream and painting, and hated ice.  He loved being read and sang to by Momma, and he thought his umbilical cord was a snuggie.  His hands were clinched and he was always ready to fight the odds.  My son was large by Trisomy standards and made it just one month shy of his due date. 


His name is David Allen Haynes, and he will always be my little fighter.


AH

RIP David Allen

My Brother Allen's Perspective
http://theycallmepercival.wordpress.com/2011/06/02/rip-baby-david/

6 Weeks To Go

Hey it's me Aaron, Heather gives a horizontal shoutout.
The last few weeks have literally been a roller coaster - full of hope, heartache, joy, preparation, anger - in no particular order.


Let me explain - 


HOPE: I was invited to listen to our new friends, the Adamyk's, speak about their 2 year old son Caleb, to a fresh class of medical students at the Shands Cancer and Genetics Center.  I was given the VIP treatment by staff and the family.  Nervous to see how I would react in a public setting, hearing and speaking about what a glimps of what our new life might be like.  I think I did okay...until...I was asked to take a photo with beautiful Caleb.  I reached out to rub his little hand, just as I would to any little toddler.  As we smiled to take a photo, he wrapped his little hand around my finger.  Internally I lost it, and could barely get out a smile.  It hit me - "Wait, Caleb was born with clutched fists, right" I asked his mother.  


HOPE: Caleb had outgrown a "symptom" of T18.  Filled with joy and the most hope I have had this whole journey, I called Heather crying "He grabbed my finger and smiled at me".  "He outgrew a symptom...Do you know what this means." "This is huge!"  


The words they spoke that day I keep close to my heart, but it was the unspoken words of their little man that gave this Father strength to fight for more.  Thank you little man.  It was nice to finally meet you sir.

Caleb Adamyk and Me at Shands

HEARTACHE: I am one to put my feelings in a box and store that box way down deep to keep the business rolling.  This journey has been exceptionally hard for me to keep these emotions all stuffed in.  I knew that I had to face the realization of what might be.  So a couple weeks ago I did another Youtube search  for "Trisomy 18"  I found a couple who had allowed a Dallas News Reporter to be with them from birth to 5 days later (Choosing Thomas).  I forced myself to watch so I could somehow "prepare" myself to face a short term story of our son...The volcano erupted.  My wife came home and found me balled up at my desk.  I felt like I had just lived out that pain and yelled out "I can't do this!"  Our house is used to being loud, but not usually from the likes of me.  I yelped like a lost puppy and couldn't control myself.  The only way I could face this type of pain is with supernatural help.  


ANGER: This has been tough on our marriage. I know this can't be a biblical saying "God will only give you what you can handle." I call a BS.  I am wondering what I'm doing wrong/right.  My parents divorces after 35 years just a few short months ago, along with David's journey I am straining to find strength as a Husband, Father, Son.  Please don't take this wrong AT ALL- our marriage is not in trouble, just real emotions we are working through. (all the old school Christians just gasped. "You don't talk about problems in the marriage") Truth.


PREPARATION: The last couple of weekends I have become a professional handyman - business cards are on the way!  I have taken up the carpet out of our living room and Master Bedroom, laid down laminate flooring throughout, painted the entire home, had new french doors installed and I'm going to design one wall for David in our room.  The wall will be filled with Inspiration for him to grow and fight.  I'm going to unveil it to my family - Extreme Home Makeover style.  It's a very therapeutic time for me. 


JOY: We got to see our son in 3D for the last time.  He looks so much like our little Monster Truck son Joshua.  If this is any indication of who David will be - JOSHUA: born 10 lbs 5 oz in 2 hours, no meds.  Dubbed at the Hospital "Pouncey Squared" after the two twin-brother Gator Offensive Linemen.  He has lived up to the nickname. 

JOY, Part II: Belly Painting was great.  He kicked and kicked.  Our little fighter.  Plus, Heather did a surprise for me with the kids (I think they got to paint a picture too. TBD)

Our Little Fighter

MOTHER'S DAY TRIBUTE: Three pregnancies in three years, and look at her.  
Still Stunning.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE... Heather has been having contractions on and off for the last two weeks.  I may ask the doc for a crash course in delivering a baby.  This may go down at home.  I got this!  I can't wait to say "I'm not a doctor, but I play one at home." 


Lots of emotions, Lots to do, Lots of Love, Little Time, all for a Little Man.  We're in the Homestretch

AH

The False Negative

I didn't want to discuss this.  I tend to keep events like these close to my chest, but Heather requested that I share my perspective...So here goes.


This is what I remember from the night I refer to as The False Negative.

I came home early to get ready to go to Heather's maternity photo shoot.  I was excited for many reasons.  One, we hadn't had maternity photos before.  Two, we have never had a family portrait taken. We have been married since September 1, 2007, and had Andrew just 16 months after.  Joshua followed right behind, just 14 short months later. Today, we are pregnant with our third boy in three years.  Needless to say, we've been in transition since day one, and haven't found a moment to do the family portrait.  But, today had finally come, and I was extremely excited!


We had a great time taking our photos courtesy of the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization.  http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ 
Our photographer even took a picture with Heather for our memory book. I was on Cloud 9.


In marriage it is so hard to connect - really connect with your mate - a connection, like when you put the jumper cable on the wrong caps, hitting an amazing eagle putt, catching a 10 pounder after sitting for 3 hours on the lake, or saving lots of $$$ from all the BOGO sales at Publix.  


We are always seeking "that moment", the tank filling tingle that seemed so easy on those awkward dates long ago.

Today, we were there. We were in the fuzz zone. 
 We just had our first family photo, and we were going out to celebrate.  On the way to the restaurant, we were talking, yes, talking - and then I glanced over at her.  She was crying.  I stopped mid-sentence and said "what's wrong hunny?!"  She arched her back and looked at the clock in the car.  "They've been 3 minutes apart for the last 12 minutes".  Auto pilot set in, "Kids, we're going into Gainesville to eat instead."  The plan was to drive to Gainesville and see if they would stop.  Instead, the contractions got stronger and closer together and we were an hour from the hospital.  


I stopped off at Subway to grab some food for the kids.  I took the girls in with me so Heather could call our emergency babysitter.  As I waited in line, without my phone, and the girls with me - seconds seems to take minutes, minutes took hours, and ahead of me in line was a hungry, girls softball team.  Finally we got through the line.  I raced out to the car, and dropped the kids off at the babysitter.  They were amazing, waiting for us at the door.


Contractions were hitting every other minute with a 30 minute drive still to go.  I remember thinking "So this is how it is going to happen."  "No fight, no shot.  Just like this, huh?!"  I lost it for a moment, then quickly gained my composure to call Labor and Delivery.


We finally arrived, I hit up the valet parking and rolled her in.  We were escorted through the tunnel and up to our "room".  Text messages were flying, Voice mails were buzzing and prayers were being lifted.  I wanted to fight, but didn't  know how.  I paced and made nervous funny ha, ha's with our new friends.  All with the worst news playing in the back of my head.


Heather and David, were now hooked up.  He kicked at the monitor, and I heard his heart beat.  The huge weight that had been piggy-back riding on me jumped off, and I could breathe.  "He looks good" the nurse said.


Round One had ended.  Ding, immediately Round 2 began...Okay he's good, what about my wife?!  As she began to throw back the Gatorade like it was...Gatorade, the contractions slowed, softened, and vanished.  
She had been dehydrated.


The False Negative, had finally registered to my system.  
I was not prepared for this. Not now.  Not this way.


From my Perspective,
Aaron


I call these events Strength Training for whatever God has ahead.  I failed the test on this day.  But I'll be ready for the next.  How do I know?  Because my knuckles are white from tugging Him as close to me as I can.  


My time with Him is no longer a fuzzy 
"10 minute devotion for Dad's on the go" 
 A lot more communication is happening!
I'm leaving Him voice mails "Hey Dad, needing to talk to you, Call me back". 
He gets my text messages "U home?" "NEED some luv" "Luv U"
I instant message him on FaceBook "Are we hanging out tonight?"
We Skype.  He sees me, but he always points his camera to the sky.  Such a jokester.
He even gets an old fashion love letter from time to time - "I don't know what I'd do without you" 




I don't know what's next, but as of 2:51am on Tuesday, April 12th, 2011,  I'm good, because I know he's just a tweet away - 
Help Me @JesusChrist #LeadMe.

My Son or God's

Hello bloggers!  Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but our life has been a touch overwhelming during the last two weeks.  Aaron had a stomach ache which turned into an ER visit and an emergency surgery to remove his appendix.  He was in the hospital for three days from start to finish.  Once we got him home, all of our children came down with a virus.  Two went to the doctor who could find no sign of strep, flu, or UTI.  Destiny ended up in the ER because she couldn't hold down any fluids, not even a sip.  By the time we got there she was so dehydrated that her blood pressure was dangerously low.  So, there we are being admitted, round two within seven days.  She was kept for 24 hours from start to finish and was mostly better by the time we were released.


In between Aaron's hospital visit and Destiny's we were so very blessed to have a 3D ultrasound done.  Going into the ultrasound I was honestly expecting that we would see our son on the screen and that he wouldn't have a single physical sign of Trisomy 18.  After all, hadn't we been praying for the miracle of complete and total healing?  Isn't our God big enough to do something like that?  Absolutely he is!  There was also a knowledge that our prayer may not be answered the way we would like for it to.


So, in we go to meet our Baby David for the first time.  Sure enough, he was beautiful.  We watched as he snuggled up to the umbilical cord as if it were a blanket.  We got to see him turn and respond to his Daddy's voice.  We also got to see him throw a tantrum and kick and punch at the ultrasound tech.  It was amazing!  It was a beautiful glimpse into the personality of our baby boy.  He is cuddly and feisty all at the same time.  Just like his brother Joshua.

"My good side"
- David in the Womb

Snuggling with the Cord

Listening to Daddy

He was beautiful in every way.  It was however, apparent by his nose that was not completely formed, his clenched fists, his underdeveloped ears, and the shape of his head that he had definitely not been healed by God.  Nonetheless, he was beautiful.  David Allen, fearfully and wonderfully made, by the creator of ALL things was a beautiful sight to behold.


What is so fearfully and wonderfully made about a child with these abnormalities?  How can you say he is woven together by the creator of life, when the doctors and statistics say he is not even compatible with life?  The truth is, I don't know what is wonderful about the physical struggles that our child will face.  I don't know why the creator of life, created David's life have a short expectancy.  What i do know is this, MY God has NEVER lied to me and in Psalm 139:14 the bible says I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Now, I know that this verse was not just for the healthy. 
 God's works are wonderful and David is one of his works.  A piece of art that was fearfully and wonderfully made when God knit him together in my womb. David was fearfully and wonderfully made for the purposes that God set forth for his life, no matter how long or how short.  Now, does that make it any easier for us, his parents.  Not no, but heck no!!  
You see it's the selfishness of my flesh that wants my son to live a long healthy "normal" life.  I want to see him start kindergarten, I want to watch him grow into childhood, I want to watch him grow through the awkwardness of adolescence, I...I...I... This list goes on and on of the things I want to do and things I want for my son.


I recently told God that I didn't care about the people that would be touched by David's life, and that I just wanted my plan for David's life and to have as much time with him as I would with my other children.  Even as I said that to God, he and I both knew that it wasn't true.
I want to see every miracle that comes from this because then I will feel like it wasn't in vein.  I also do care about the people God will change through all of this.  I do care that this may reach someone and touch them to there very core, and inspire faith, or help them see truth, or receive healing.  But still my flesh cries, can't we have both?  I saw him, and everything you, God, said about him is true. He is your craftsmanship and I just want to get to know him and spend time with him.  Yes, Lord, not my will but yours be done, just help me walk this out.  


Without you I know I can not do this.  Phillipians 4:13

"In God's Time"  This video was posted by one of our friends "made me think of and pray for you guys. Love yall!" Thanks Brittany! Perfect Song, Perfect Timing!

See You Soon

March 30th - 2:26am
3D COMING SOON!
I can't sleep.  I get to see him this morning.  
15 minutes with Mom and Dad.
We are doing a 3D ultrasound at 10am today, donated by people who love our family.  
What a gift.  The gift of seeing his face, and his strong body.  


I am indebted to the people who are donating their resources to making this preview happen.


Dear David,

A song just played that makes me think of you.  

It's my anthem to you son. 

What will you look like? Will you have my eye's, your mother's chin?  Will you look at us in the camera? Will I see your fingers and hands opened up or will you have on your boxing gloves? Will your arm be extended like Mel Gibson in Braveheart or will you be flexing like Arnold?
Will you be preparing for battle like your first name or playing the air guitar like the one who shares your middle name?

 Only two things I know for a fact:  You are my son and you are beautiful.  

Looking forward to seeing you soon.

  

Love,

Dad