Monday, July 18, 2011

Death Changes Things

The death of someone we love, stops us in our tracks.
photo by: Jacqui Janetzko

It has caused me to question everything I thought I knew. It caused me to question my God, my personal faith, and everything around me.

Death is something that can test whether or not we really believe what we say we believe.

At times, it has even caused me to ask myself "What do I actually believe?" "Can I find a scripture to back that up?"
I like that it is causing me to delve deep into the Word of God, the research I am doing on Heaven is quite exhausting, but I am seeing the word more in depth.  I am clinging to God, and every promise I know to be true, and quite honestly I am looking for promises that I may have missed or do not yet know of.

I want to know what life is like now for David Allen.  I want to know if he knows how much I loved him and wanted him to stay.  I want to know if he knew how much this family wanted to do life with him.  Will he know that he changed my life forever? Will he know that he awoke so much passion for The Word in me?  Will God tell him?

photo by: Jacqui Janetzko

I don't have the answers to any of these questions.  If I find any of them I will be sure to share them all with the rest of you, don't worry.  One thing I do know is this.  God has known me from before the beginning of this life and he is constantly reminding me of that.

Since I was a little girl, as young as twelve maybe even younger, I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up that is what I told them, until someone busted my bubble and informed me that the question was referring to what job I would like to do to make money.

Right along with knowing that I wanted to be a wife and a mother, I also knew my greatest fear was to lose a child.  I remember being very young and playing mommy with baby dolls and thinking of how sad it would be for a real mom to lose a real child.  That fear has plagued me for most of my days even long before I ever became a mother.  Then I did become a mother and the fear of losing a child gripped me in ways that I never understood.  The very thought of losing a child would bring me to tears in seconds.  I never knew anyone that experienced this kind of loss when I was young, so I have no idea where this fear ever came from, but I know that it has been very real all of my life.

I  thought about this for a long time two or three days ago.  As heartbroken that I am about David Allen, I do believe that God has given me a bolder faith since his death.  You see, David Allen is the second child that I lost.  Not many people are aware that our son Joshua had a twin.  We lost the other baby at seven weeks gestation.  Now I know that some people will not understand how a loss that early in pregnancy can affect a mother, but trust me it does.  There was another child, my child in the womb and I never got to meet her (I believe God revealed to me that it was a girl).  Of course there was more of a bond with David Allen because we did get to know him much more than the other child we lost, but it was still a loss.

As strange as all this is for me to say, I have two children that are dead.  Those words are so harsh but it is the truth. Two of my children are dead in this life.  Now I do believe that they are alive and with The Lord, but in this life I will know nothing else of them ever.  Yet, I am okay.  I don't mean that I don't mourn, oh Lord how I mourn.  I don't mean that I don't miss them, my empty arms ache for them.  My heart longs to know what would have been, and my human nature begs God to let me experience something of them while I wait to go home and be with them.  What I do mean is that I am okay mentally, I am not sinking into a deep sea of depression, I am not struggling with what is reality and what isn't.  Somehow in the midst of my grief I am still able to hear what the Lord is saying to me.  Somehow I know that his purpose is better than mine even if it hurts.

My faith is bolder now.  I feel like God took the biggest fear my heart and head have ever known and threw it into the depths of hell.  You see, if I could come through the loss of two of my children, then is there really anything that I can't do with my God?  The answer of course is no, and now I know that.  The irony in it all is haven't I known that all along?  I mean doesn't scripture say, "If God is for me then who can be against me" and "In God I trust and am not afraid, what can man do to me", and again God tells us "through Christ who strengthens me I can do ALL things."  Of course I have known these verses for years, but there is a difference between knowing something in your head and knowing something in your heart.  I believe it is the difference between knowledge and wisdom.  Knowledge is the information and wisdom is what you do with it.  Wisdom for me looks like living more boldly for Christ.

Seriously, what can the enemy do to me.  What's the worst that he can do?  Death, isn't that the worst.  Death is his biggest weapon against us right?  And what is the result of death, Going to be with my sweet Jesus and meeting the child I never got to meet and holding my sweet baby David Allen again.  So again, I say with boldness, "God I trust in you and I will live more boldly for you everyday because WHAT CAN THE ENEMY DO TO ME?"  I AM YOURS!  

My dear sweet David Allen, it is because of you I am bolder in my faith.

photo by: Jacqui Janetzko

Please know your life had so much purpose.  Thank you for teaching me unconditional love, deeper faith, and how to stand strong in the face of Satan and say you can take anything from me in this life except my love for God, and my destination in eternity.  David Allen, I miss you and I will think of you everyday until I get to hold you again and thank you for helping me to feel deeper, laugh harder, enjoy more and drink of God more deeply.  I love you son.
photo by: Jacqui Janetzko