Yesterday was a tough day for the Haynes family. We started out like every other day. Got the kids loaded up to do the round robbin and drop the girls off at school. We pray everyday in the car on the way, and the mornings prayers reminded me of the diagnosis of baby David. Our oldest was going to start the prayer, the first thing that came out of her mouth was a prayer for our baby, that God would allow us to meet him and give us as much time, Destiny's words ended there and she burst out into tears and couldn't catch her breath enough to utter a single word more. I held her had as I fought back my own tears and wrestled to swallow the lump in my throat and finished a prayer for Baby David. Lexi, added what she had to say from the back seat and the prayer was done. It didn't matter what words were spoke the heart cries of my girls were so much louder, deafening almost for a mother's ears. My heart could hardly bear the breaking of theirs, as I waited for God to give me words of comfort for them.
"God", I thought. "You need to give me some words to reassure them of how great you are in the midst of this". He didn't give me words for that. Instead he told me to speak the truth to them. So I did.
"It is okay to be sad, and it is okay to even be mad at God". " I am and I told him that." "But I know that in this situation God is trying to bring us closer to him and trying to help us learn how to be more like Christ." " I don't know how this is going to do that, but I know if it were not then God would not be asking us to walk it."
Finally Destiny spoke, "I know but I just can't help but think of what might happen to him." " I just don't want him to suffer."
"Me either", I said still fighting with the lump in my throat. " And every time I think of that I pray and ask God to not let our baby suffer in his life or in the process of him passing."
"I told God I didn't want David to suffer and told me then I needed to ask him for that, so I have been".
Somehow we were able to pull ourselves together enough to make a joke about being all emotional and it was time for Destiny to get out of the car. "Lord, I need you to show up so big for her because I know I can't heal what you can, and I can't get her through this, you have too."
Lexi proceeded to climb into the front seat as I was saying this silent prayer and we drove off to make the next stop. Our conversation about David continued as I took Lexi to school. " I agree with Daddy, we have real, real big babies so I am going to pray that he will be eight pounds." "Your tummy looks like he is going to be big because it just popped out in the last two days. Maybe that's because he is growing".
"Maybe", I said trying to convince myself she really could be right.
Alexis is beautiful at redirecting when the conversation gets to be too much, and she somehow knows how to bring it around to something positive when the reality of what "could be" gets too much. Thank you Jesus for this nine year old full of hope.
The rest of the morning was a little challenging to say the least. We had to go to the store, and Andrew threw up in the car on the way there and Joshua made a nice mess for me in his diaper. Out of the car and straight into the store bathroom.
After our little adventure to the store is was home again, home again, jigedy jog. Nap time FINALLY!! God was so gracious in allowing me a nap today instead of my afternoon God time. He truly does know what we can handle. After nap time we go and pick up the girls.
Lexi first today. She hops in the car and shows me a notebook given to her from the school counselor. This is my notebook for baby David. "It's kinda like a journal, I go and see the lady (school guidance counselor) for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the afternoon everyday." " We talk about baby David, I feel like she is safe to talk to about it, but I don't really talk to my teacher about it". "Here is what I wrote today, I believe that David is going to be born a perfectly healthy baby and God is going to give him a normal long life".
What do I say to that? Nothing, I couldn't say a word, all I could do was cry and ask Lexi if she also felt like she could talk to me and Aaron about the baby and she said of course. Heavy sigh of relief through tears, and that darn lump in my throat has come back. The tears in my eyes were dried and it was time for me to get out and go into Destiny's school to pick her up.
I walk into the front office and the first thing I see is Destiny in tears with a teacher talking to her. I knew instantly what the tears were about. I just didn't know what caused her to well up with the emotions at school. She and a friend decided to look up Trisomy 18. They saw pictures of babies with tubes in them and babies with abnormalities that were just too much for Destiny's little heart. It must have felt for her like our second sonogram appointment when the diagnosis was confirmed.
I scooped her up with her belongings and walked her to the car, again fighting the tears so I could see. Not much was said except what conditions David had and what he might look like. We agreed that if she wanted or needed more information that she would come to us instead of looking it up at school. Finally home we unloaded the car.
Once we got inside I realized that I had forgotten to make plans for a meal. This was in addition to not cleaning the house during nap time which just made our house look like the toy boxes threw up in the living room. I couldn't even focus through the chaos of the children and mess to think about a meal and it all became to much for me. I was so overwhelmed, and I knew that Aaron would be working late so there would be no relief. It was too much to bear with the emotions of the day.
I called Aaron and desperately tried to sound okay but he knew I had reached my threshold for the day.
"Do you need me to come home"?
Once again I completely lost it, "Yes, yes I do", "It's been a very emotional and rough day".
"I have one stop to make then I will be on my way."
I was so grateful to my husband for putting me, and our family first. It meant so much to me, especially because I know that he is now about an entire day behind at work. I know how stressful that can be for him. As I hung up the phone, just knowing that Aaron was on his way home, I began to be able to function somehow through the midst of the anxiety and emotions that just moments ago had overwhelmed me so much I couldn't even think.
Thank you Lord for my husband. Please give us strength.