Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Empty Arms

My "mommy's heart" is broken.  I have played every moment of the pregnancy and delivery over and over in my mind.  I know that it is not my fault that my son passed, yet I have overwhelming guilt as I try to figure out what I could have done differently or better.
I should have read to him in my tummy more, I should have sang to him more.  After his birth I should have held him longer.  I was afraid to because the signs of death were starting to worsen with each passing minute, but I should have held him longer.  I didn't kiss his face enough, I didn't take enough pregnancy pictures.  I let myself get sick, I took a bath that might have been too hot.
The truth is I know none of these things took my sons life or made it any shorter or would have made it any longer if done differently.  But I still can't help feeling like I failed him in some - or many ways.
I don't understand how God works, but I know that he has to bring some big miracles out of this or I will always feel like he took my son for no reason.  So God, I am shouting and begging of you to show me some great miracles that come from this.  Please God, please!

My arms are empty in a way that will never be filled, and my heart has been shattered beyond anything that I have ever felt before.  I am a Christ follower and I believe everything that is in the Bible.  I know that my son is in heaven because God gave me a vision of him being received by Maw-Maw and Jesus. I know that he is made whole and that his heavenly body is perfect, I know he didn't suffer, and I know I never saw him in pain or having to fight for his life.

While there is small comfort in these truths, it does not make it hurt any less, I will never get to hold my sons hand, and I will never feel his warm body on my chest as I sleep, and I will never get to rock him until he finally stops fighting sleep.  I will never hear his cry or know what color his eyes were.  My aching for David Allen will never go away or be completely healed in this life time.

No trite saying, or bible scripture is going to fix this broken place inside of me.  I know that day by day dealing with the reality of it all is suppose to get easier, but right now it all just hurts.  I will not cheer up to make others feel more comfortable being around me. I am walking through the worst experience of my life, and I am expecting that it is going to feel like it, and honestly I know that it's probably going to make it uncomfortable for some people to be around me.  I wish I could say that I am sorry about that, but the truth is what kind of mother would I be if I didn't grieve the life of my beautiful child.  So please have mercy and grace on my family as we walk through the biggest hurt we have ever faced.

To my dear David Allen,
Mommy loved you more than words could ever express.  Thank you for eight wonderful months of being your mother.  Please know I really did do everything I could and I was all for you.  My heart will be complete only when I get to heaven and get to embrace you.

To the God I love but will never fully understand,
Thank you so much for allowing me to see my son with so much life inside of him.  Thank you so much for choosing me to be David Allen Haynes mommy!  Occasionally please allow me glimpses of him with you in heaven.  Often please remind me of all the times I did have with him so I am not consumed by the grief of all I didn't get to share with him.  Please tell him everyday that I love him and miss him and would so rather be holding him instead of his empty blanket.  Please don't let me get lost in the grief.  God I love you and I trust you, and I need you now more than ever!  Please show up big!!


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