Sunday, June 12, 2011

Waiting for the Sunset

Heather and I keep taking turns being alone in our bedroom, looking at the photos of our beautiful son. The depths we have reached on both ends of sadness and peace, have been the most intense this week.

I am struggling right now to prepare the words I am to speak on Thursday.  I see myself standing there, but not being able to say a word, just staring at his photo.  Every time I see this image of myself, I close my eyes and pray for peace. 

I am also struggling because my video editing software has completely crashed.  I was going to prepare David's memorial video today and will not be able to do so now.

This is a big time hurt for me. It was going to be a therapeutic process.  Anytime I make a short film for clients, the emotions of their event comes over me like I'm there with them. So I just knew this was going to be a good thing for me.  I have to think that God was somehow taking this from me, for some reason I haven't figured out yet.   Nonetheless, very painful.

The only way I can describe what is happening to me right now, is to visualize the beach.  The waves are the pain as they come crashing in, then fade out into the sea.  It feels like that.  The beach itself is very calming.  The children around are laughing and playing.  And off in the distance I see the sun setting.  

Is this service closure? No. It's more like the sunset to a long, stormy day at the beach.  The next day I'll wake up again with an emptiness in my arms. A longing to hold him, just one more time. I'll pray for comfort and strength and then I'll smile when my kids say "are you okay".   And on that next day, I'll look up to the sky and hope for clear skies and a bright sunny day.  

My goodness how I miss him.  Preparing for his service is definitely a struggle.  Really hoping for the rapture to happen before Thursday. When did that guy predict for that again???