Thursday, June 2, 2011

When Hello Means Goodbye

I want to start by saying this blog is first: a way for us to get our emotions out; second: a resource for families that look for others who feel the same feelings when going through a season such as this.  We looked at other families blogs during this season and it was very comforting to know it was okay to _____ and that it was a "normal" reaction.

The Morning Came
It was about 5:30am, Heather came and layed in our bed and told me she had a little concern and couldn't recall feeling David move that night.  I felt for him to have a reaction and within 5 minutes of this, she started having very strong contractions...only a minute apart.  I jumped up, gathered the kids and our things and we were out the 7:30 (we have 4 other kids). On the hour drive to the hospital we prayed, texted, called.  I grabbed a wheel chair when we got there and met Joy at the parking garage to take the kids.

I ran up to the 3rd floor, labor and delivery - I heard screams coming from behind the curtain "oh boy" I thought.  I must have had that expression on my face because I turned to the administrator and asked for my wife, she smiled and said "down at the end" Whew.

But when I got to my curtain Heather looked up at me and said "they can't find his heartbeat." "we're still okay" I thought, minutes later after only finding Heathers heartbeat, they did an ultrasound, first one doctor, then the next to confirm.  "I'm sorry" "what can we do for you" "we'll give you a minute". 8:10am, June 1st, 2011

The Mourning Came
Most painful feeling I've ever had. I had lost my child. We cried out for him.  Then I grabbed a hold of myself, because there were women in here that still had hope of giving birth this morning.  I wiped my face and went to ask for a private room.
The next four hours were kind of a blur, we wept, we talked to the staff about our plans, we wept, then we received news that our dear friends The Adamyk's were on their way to Shands with their son Caleb . "Anything Else Lord?" 

Our Son is Born
At 12:10pm I cut the umbilical cord and was handed my child. I was overwhelmed.  Sadness and Joy and Peace formed a stream down my face. I can only remember saying "Perfect" and "Beautiful".  I walked this beautiful baby into the other room and bathed him.  As I bathed him I kept waiting..."please son, open your eyes.  Breathe baby, breathe" "Lord let me hear him cry out to me, just one time" I pleaded.  But he didn't.  I prayed over him, then dressed him up for Mommy.  Cuddling him up against my chest, I walked him to her. Our eyes connected, and  the unsaid words, said it all.  This is our son, and he is beautiful.  He is at peace, and he is with our Lord. Mommy and baby spent some time together.  We took intimate photos with him. Then they weighed and measured him. 5 lbs 0.7oz 18 inches long.  I peaked around the corner into the next room at Heather "He is so Beautiful" again our hearts aligned and shattered.  I got to do his footprints and hold him some more.

It was time to say goodbye.  
After we said goodbye together, I walked him over to his cart.  I tried to put him down, but just couldn't let go of my son.  I pulled him close to me again, then laid him in his bed. As the nurse walked him out the door, my legs felt like jello.  I fell to my knees and couldn't be strong any longer. He was gone. 

My Father Showed Up In A Big Way
There is no doubt that my faith has been like a see-saw through this season, the hardest season of my life.  But moments after I had fallen to the floor.  I got up and walked over to my wife and held her - only because He was holding me first.  "Peace" "He's at Peace Now" He whispered to me. Thank you Father. 

He was a Champion Fighter
All though his earthly fight is over, his legacy lives on inside of us.  His life will always be remembered, and the pain will not go in vein. He kicked harder than any of our other children inside the womb, he liked cheesecake, ice cream and painting, and hated ice.  He loved being read and sang to by Momma, and he thought his umbilical cord was a snuggie.  His hands were clinched and he was always ready to fight the odds.  My son was large by Trisomy standards and made it just one month shy of his due date. 

His name is David Allen Haynes, and he will always be my little fighter.


RIP David Allen

My Brother Allen's Perspective

1 comment:

  1. Peace, he is at peace, no more pain, praying....sending love